Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Are You Cut Out For Motherhood?

Truth be told, some days I'm not sure I'm cut out for motherhood. Today is one of those days. My (almost) four year-old likes to test our limits on a daily basis. Since she started school a couple weeks ago, she's been a bit of a nightmare at home. Because she has to be good (and quiet) at school, she lets loose when she gets home. She kicks her heels up by throwing a tantrum any time she doesn't get her way. My 15 month old and I are ready to move out. Temporarily, of course. If you're not sure you want to be a mother or not, here are some of the "qualities" you should possess for this role.

1) You have to love repetition! Think running laps around a track is boring? Telling a child not to climb on the furniture over and over is no picnic either. Or my personal favorite, "get your finger out of your nose!" (said while at a restaurant, a wedding, or any other equally embarrassing place).

2) You need pipes! Not the kind in your bathroom. I'm talking about big arm muscles. You have to lift strollers into and out of your car several times a day. Carry a baby around in one arm while using your other arm for various things. If you have one of those infant car seats that snap into your stroller, you'll need extra arm strength to carry said baby and car seat around. Those things are heavy! And god forbid stairs are involved. You'll need a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger to lift your baby in a car seat up stairs.

3) Patience like you've never had before! Those little bundles of joy will test you over and over again. You'll notice the "testing" around the time your baby has his or her first taste of cereal. After a few weeks the cereal will not be as exciting to the baby anymore and he'll chuck the bowl off his highchair. This will be amusing to him, especially if he gets a reaction from you, and this new skill will continue on until at least 18-months. Which brings me to my next quality.

4) The broom is mightier than yelling! You'll have to clean like you've never cleaned before (reread #1 about repetition for full effect). Breakfast - baby throws food on floor, chucks bowl, spoon etc., takes off bib and messes up clothes, rubs hands full of cereal all over her head (and creates the "Something About Mary" look), discovers spewing is more fun than swallowing etc. Lunch - more of same but now you've probably served foods that stain a bit more AND you've spent most of the morning getting the highchair, baby, utensils etc. cleaned up for lunch. Dinner - you've spent more time preparing the meal that will be thrown, mushed, squished and are a little less patient about the mess. You've also cleaned up the mess twice already. Snacks - in between meal messes (squishy banana is a favorite to clean up).

5) Spatial skills! If you don't drive a mini-van or large SUV, you'll need to figure out how to contract your stroller and fit it in the back of your car quickly. If you live in a cold or wet climate, you'll need to do this lightning fast. Good luck with that one. And forget about putting together baby toys, cribs, high chairs, strollers, installing car seats properly etc. Hire professionals for all those things. Avoid anything that says, "light assembly required", if you do not possess spatial and/or mechanical skills. I don't think there is a course to take for any of those skills but I could be wrong.

6) A bright and sunny disposition! We were thrilled when our little girl peed on the potty the first time around, and the second, and the third time. We threw a party. We were overjoyed. She's been potty-trained for almost two years now and she still expects a marching band every time she goes. It's hard to throw a party when she has to go in the middle of the night and wants mommy or daddy. Oh please let it be daddy tonight. Please. You get my drift.

Okay so that's all for now. If I haven't scared you enough to increase your birth control methods (try them all), you are one of those people that is brainwashed into thinking your child will be different. It's probably the hopeful grandma-to-be doing the brainwashing so there's nothing you can do about it. That is how the species continues on, I guess.

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