Are You Cut Out For Motherhood?

Truth be told, some days I'm not sure I'm cut out for motherhood. Today is one of those days. My (almost) four year-old likes to test our limits on a daily basis. Since she started school a couple weeks ago, she's been a bit of a nightmare at home. Because she has to be good (and quiet) at school, she lets loose when she gets home. She kicks her heels up by throwing a tantrum any time she doesn't get her way. My 15 month old and I are ready to move out. Temporarily, of course. If you're not sure you want to be a mother or not, here are some of the "qualities" you should possess for this role.

1) You have to love repetition! Think running laps around a track is boring? Telling a child not to climb on the furniture over and over is no picnic either. Or my personal favorite, "get your finger out of your nose!" (said while at a restaurant, a wedding, or any other equally embarrassing place).

2) You need pipes! Not the kind in your bathroom. I'm talking about big arm muscles. You have to lift strollers into and out of your car several times a day. Carry a baby around in one arm while using your other arm for various things. If you have one of those infant car seats that snap into your stroller, you'll need extra arm strength to carry said baby and car seat around. Those things are heavy! And god forbid stairs are involved. You'll need a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger to lift your baby in a car seat up stairs.

3) Patience like you've never had before! Those little bundles of joy will test you over and over again. You'll notice the "testing" around the time your baby has his or her first taste of cereal. After a few weeks the cereal will not be as exciting to the baby anymore and he'll chuck the bowl off his highchair. This will be amusing to him, especially if he gets a reaction from you, and this new skill will continue on until at least 18-months. Which brings me to my next quality.

4) The broom is mightier than yelling! You'll have to clean like you've never cleaned before (reread #1 about repetition for full effect). Breakfast - baby throws food on floor, chucks bowl, spoon etc., takes off bib and messes up clothes, rubs hands full of cereal all over her head (and creates the "Something About Mary" look), discovers spewing is more fun than swallowing etc. Lunch - more of same but now you've probably served foods that stain a bit more AND you've spent most of the morning getting the highchair, baby, utensils etc. cleaned up for lunch. Dinner - you've spent more time preparing the meal that will be thrown, mushed, squished and are a little less patient about the mess. You've also cleaned up the mess twice already. Snacks - in between meal messes (squishy banana is a favorite to clean up).

5) Spatial skills! If you don't drive a mini-van or large SUV, you'll need to figure out how to contract your stroller and fit it in the back of your car quickly. If you live in a cold or wet climate, you'll need to do this lightning fast. Good luck with that one. And forget about putting together baby toys, cribs, high chairs, strollers, installing car seats properly etc. Hire professionals for all those things. Avoid anything that says, "light assembly required", if you do not possess spatial and/or mechanical skills. I don't think there is a course to take for any of those skills but I could be wrong.

6) A bright and sunny disposition! We were thrilled when our little girl peed on the potty the first time around, and the second, and the third time. We threw a party. We were overjoyed. She's been potty-trained for almost two years now and she still expects a marching band every time she goes. It's hard to throw a party when she has to go in the middle of the night and wants mommy or daddy. Oh please let it be daddy tonight. Please. You get my drift.

Okay so that's all for now. If I haven't scared you enough to increase your birth control methods (try them all), you are one of those people that is brainwashed into thinking your child will be different. It's probably the hopeful grandma-to-be doing the brainwashing so there's nothing you can do about it. That is how the species continues on, I guess.

"I don't like daddy!"

At some point in your little girl's life, usually around three or four, she will proclaim she doesn't like her daddy. She'll say he's not nice and scream at random times when he tries to do anything with her. At first you'll wonder if he's doing anything wrong. And then you'll realize it's just a little girl thing. We're going through this right now and his biggest crime has been giving her the blue cup when she really wanted the purple cup. Not that she told him she wanted the purple one. She just expects him to know. This is tough for most men. They haven't come close to figuring out their female partners, let alone this temperamental bundle of drama. I feel sorry for my husband. He'll remember "the incident" and take out the purple cup next time she asks for a drink. He'll lovingly hand it to her full of juice and she'll scream, "I wanted milk!". Who knew? Certainly not him. I would've asked her first but he only remembers the last drink interaction. The next time around he'll give her milk in a purple cup and she'll yell in his face, "I wanted WARM milk not COLD milk!". It's a losing situation for most guys. I think this is training for them to accept the guy she chooses later on in life. We really think the dads are upset at the thought of their little girls dating but they are really thinking, "poor sucker, he'll never figure her out". 

Since my daughter is only pushing four, I don't know how long this phase will last. It started at around three and is running its course right now. My favourite part is when she kisses up to him like 5 minutes after an outburst because she wants something. All memory of screaming, I don't like daddy seems to be erased from her expanding mind. She'll be getting ready for bed and say, "I love you daddy, you are the best daddy in the world". And after he's all warm and fuzzy inside, she'll ask him to stay in her room until she falls asleep. That can be anywhere from 5 minutes to 1 hour, depending on her mood. So daddy will agree and end up snoring on the chair beside her. Somehow this thunderous sound lulls her to sleep. While they're both in slumberland, all memory of the aforementioned screaming about daddy gets erased. And they start from scratch the next morning. The circle of life continues.  

First Week of School Blues...

We did all the prep work over the summer to prepare our budding student for junior kindergarten. We practiced letter-writing, painting, songs, numbers and even "sold" the idea of being left with strangers for a couple hours. Okay so we didn't mention the whole stranger thing but it is true. So after months of preparation the big day came. We dressed her up in her school uniform, packed a nice snack, and went to meet the teacher. The teacher is the closest thing to a living saint. She's got grown up kids of her own, a calm friendly voice and demeanor and is extremely patient with the kids. In other words, she's not ME!  But when it came to dropping off our little tyke, she screamed, cried and grabbed my legs. Oh horror, I have one of THOSE kids. All the typical thoughts ran through my head. Have I actually been too good to her? Maybe I pay too much attention to her? 

After a couple days of the same dramatic scene, we figured our daughter was actually sick. She was coming down with a cold and cough and was understandably clingy. Once we realized what was happening, we took extra care of her and kept her home one day from school. After she recovered, we sent her back without any fanfare. Not even a "good-bye mommy". Nothing. No tears, no shouts of abandonment. It was dead silent. And when she was done with school, all she could say was, "mommy, don't give me anything drippy for a snack". I spilled the peaches the first day and the yoghurt the next." On the weekend we came up with a snack plan. I bake twice a week and she doesn't complain about the snacks. I don't know how I got stuck with all the work but you know, I aim to please and I'm competing with a living saint. Now if I could only find uniform-type clothing in toddler sizes.